i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
