Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
