His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
