He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
