Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
