Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
