the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
