i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
