Plan B is the new Plan A
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
