P.S. I can't hear my feet
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
