i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
