Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
