I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
