Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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