My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This baby is an asshole
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
