Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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