Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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