Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
