oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
