what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i think my cat just said my name.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
