We won't sleep together?
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
