He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
