I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
