I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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