Someone shit on the floor
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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