so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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