Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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