Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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