you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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