We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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