Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
