Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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