My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
