youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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