this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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