If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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