I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
