I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
