dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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