He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize