Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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