i was born a porn star she said
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
