is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
