bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
