but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
