Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We are all done wearing pants today
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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