Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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