I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
