I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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