matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
