I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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