Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
